Police Report: Edward 'Big Balls' Coristine Carjacked, Assaulted

**A City Under Siege? The Night a Government Operative Became the Face of DC Crime** Imagine waking up to a stark warning from a former President: a chilling image of a bloodied man, a threat to "federalize" America's capital, all sparked by claims of rampant **gang violence in Washington D.C.** This wasn't a fictional drama; this was the reality on a recent Tuesday afternoon, ignited by a Truth Social post from Donald Trump. But who was the man in the photo, and what truly happened in the heart of the nation's capital to provoke such a political firestorm? --- The Pre-Dawn Attack: Logan Circle's Nightmare Unfolds It was the pre-dawn quiet of Sunday, August 3rd, shattered. In the usually bustling **Logan Circle** – a vibrant, central hub in northwest **Washington D.C.** – a nightmare unfolded between 3:01 and 4:20 AM. Edward Coristine, a 19-year-old software engineer, and his significant other, Emily Bryant, found themselves surrounded. Suddenly, a group of roughly ten juveniles descended. Coristine saw them approach, heard their menacing comments about taking the vehicle. Instinctively, he pushed Emily into the car, shielding her. Then, he turned to face the mob. That's when the assault began, leaving one of them beaten and an iPhone 16 stolen in a brazen act of **DC carjacking**. ---

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Unmasking the Victim: A Tech Prodigy at the Heart of Government Hours later, a cryptic tweet from tech titan **Elon Musk** sent ripples through the internet: a Department of Government Efficiency (**DOGE**) staffer, he claimed, was "beaten to the point of concussion" by an alleged **DC gang**. The victim's identity? None other than **Edward Coristine**, a 19-year-old tech prodigy known online as "Big Balls," and a foundational operative for DOGE. Coristine’s role at the Department of Government Efficiency placed him at the nexus of federal innovation. He was one of DOGE’s earliest hires, a young mind tasked with streamlining bureaucratic processes. How did a federal operative, working to enhance **government efficiency**, become the central figure in a violent crime that would capture national attention and spark political unrest? --- The Police Puzzle: Conflicting Reports and Swift Arrests The official investigation began with a twist. When WIRED initially pressed the **Metropolitan Police Department**, they reported no record of an "Ed" or "Edward" Coristine. Yet, the police report WIRED ultimately obtained told a different story, clearly identifying Coristine and Bryant as the victims of this brazen **DC carjacking**. What explains this initial disconnect? According to the report, officers patrolling the area of the alleged crime observed the group of juveniles surrounding the victims’ vehicle. As the officers exited their patrol car, the mob scattered, fleeing on foot. The police were able to stop and arrest two of the subjects for unarmed carjacking, transporting them to a local facility, possibly the Juvenile Processing Center (JPC), for processing. Coristine and Bryant were able to positively identify these two alleged perpetrators. But were these arrests enough to quell the rising alarm over **Logan Circle crime**?

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--- A Hero's Legacy, a Shadowy Past, and Political Fallout Online, Coristine's DOGE colleagues quickly lauded him as a hero, decrying the "unacceptable" violence in the capital. Marko Elez, another DOGE affiliate with controversial past links to racist social media posts, praised "my friend Big Balls" as a hero, reinforcing the gravity of the incident. But who exactly is Edward Coristine? His past, as WIRED previously uncovered, is a mosaic of ambition and intrigue. Before joining DOGE, he spent months at Neuralink and founded Tesla.Sexy LLC in 2021. He also briefly worked for Path Network, a company with blackhat hacker roots, and a Telegram account linked to him reportedly solicited hacking services in 2022. Despite this colorful background, Coristine has been affiliated with over a dozen **government agencies**, from the Federal Trade Commission (FTC) and the General Services Administration (GSA) to the Department of Homeland Security (DHS), even an interagency system for "gold card" visas. His expertise in **cybersecurity government** was clearly in high demand. This tangled narrative fueled the political firestorm. While former President **Donald Trump** seized on the incident, leveraging claims of **gang violence in DC** to advocate for 'federalizing' the district, the MPD spokesperson Tom Lynch couldn't independently verify if the alleged perpetrators had gang affiliations. Yet, Lynch confirmed seeing Trump’s graphic photo, stating, "there’s no reason not to believe" it was authentic. The White House, for its part, remained silent. --- The Shifting Shadows: Where is Edward Now?

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Adding another layer to the enigma, Coristine's government tenure itself has been a moving target. In June, the White House announced his resignation from DOGE. But days later, it was revealed he hadn't left **federal employment** at all. Instead, he was quietly reassigned to the Social Security Administration (**SSA**). His mission? To "improv[e] the functionality of the Social Security website and advanc[e] our mission of delivering more efficient service to the American people," according to an SSA spokesperson. Yet, in a twist that only deepens the mystery: a source within the SSA tells WIRED that Coristine hasn’t been seen at their Woodlawn, Maryland headquarters this week. A federal employee, violently attacked, at the center of a national debate, and praised by high-profile figures... and now, seemingly vanished from his new post. What does this mean for the future of **government efficiency**, **DC safety**, the lives of **federal employees**, and the relentless pursuit of truth? The story of Edward Coristine is far from over.